Write Team: Thoughts while running through a Goodwill store

Shopping at a thrift shop turns my brain feral. My eyes dart. I walk faster. The mental stimulation is a cheap buzz.

It’s not a walk down memory lane, it’s not your conventional, boring, yawn-while-you-walk-through-the-store shopping. It’s just pure treasure-hunting time! It’s every man for himself, and the devil take the hindmost! The following slugs are pretty much the hot little marbles rolling about in my brain when I’m shopping at a Goodwill store.

I’m not driving all the way around back just to drop off these two bags of stuff! I’m just going to hand ’em over at the front counter. What’s in them? Old T-shirts, yeah, a couple junk books, coffee mugs, old craft stuff, some toy stuff from McDonalds.

OK, first thing’s first: Check out the old tennis racquets. Remember that purple Donnay widebody you took a pass on in 1992? Maybe there’s some good wood – a Jack Kramer, a Dunlop Maxply! Maybe there’s one of the early Graphite Greats, a Wilson Pro Staff. Remember finding that Wilson Ultra 2? The Rossignol F-200? God, those are beauties.

Any other good sports gear?

Yeah, it would be great to find an old flippy clock. One of those Westinghouse or GE digital clock-radios from the ‘70s or ‘80s with the numbers flipping down and telling the time. That was a nice soft sound late at night – it helped put me to sleep. I used to listen to E.G. Marshall’s Mystery Theater show when I went to bed.

… Hmm, why is it sometimes there’s this crazy smell in here? Maybe that’s like ammonia, or maybe that’s something else ...

Now there’s the glass aisle. Lotta junk. Lotta shotglass collectors out there, it looks like. I need about four more highball glasses with that tennis design from 1966 for my gin and tonic. I’d LOVE to find them. Just so cool. Libby glass. Got some long ago and broke a few over the years. Fun with gin and tonic.

Hey, there’s a nice beer mug! Only one ... English pub thing. Don’t need any Pilsners. I’m good there. I’m not drinking any beer anymore since it got so expensive. ... How many people really drink from beer steins?

Hmm, yeah – Fiestaware! We’ve got a ton of that. Stacks and stacks weighing down our kitchen shelves. And the price here is nasty. Too high.

Clothes? Nah. Men’s clothes are usually pretty damn worn out and ganky. They want a good buck for that stuff, too!

Well, it’s nice, and this is a good one, but I’ve got all the 1,000-piece puzzles I need. ... I just don’t have the time. But it’s fun setting one out on the table for people to play with. Wintertime thing.

Books! Let’s trot on over! Hmm, “Everything I Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten,” the Obama biography and some crap from Oprah’s book club, cookbooks, self-help, kids’ stuff. Junk. Nothing great here. No history. No interesting religious titles. No good biographies. No useful business books. Not today. Anyway, there’s this promise to my wife I won’t buy another book this year without her OK. I’d have to run across the store and try to find her. Plus, I’ve got too many unread books alongside the Morris chair. Need to organize them, put them all together.

Music, CDs, yeah, check them out. Anything good? I’m doing pretty good with music at home, and I’ve got plenty of stuff to listen to already, for just about every kind of mood. These records are moldy, and they would make my records moldy. I could grab a $1 CD just for the drive home, though. ... Heck of a lot of Christmas albums here.

How about the “Useful Stuff for Useful Men” section over there? Any good tools? Parts? Nothing for the projects I’m working on. ... Oh yeah, I’ve already got some photo albums, too.

Hey, look at that! There are some cross-country skis! Hmm, I need to buy a new pair of ski boots this winter. Mine are falling apart.

Where’s Linda? Where’s Leo? God knows ... I need to hike around the whole store to find them. I’m done here. So done ... toast. Let’s go!

Why are little-used candles so expensive? Every Goodwill seems to think every stub of candle goo is worth $2.99. You could buy a new candle for less than that!

Any good art? We’re looking for some kitschy pieces at the Volker Estate. A mask? An elephant? A leopard?

They’ll be remembering the 2020s as the Decade of Household Wisdom with “Live, Love, Laugh,” “We Love Our Friends,” and all those other puffy statements calligraphied here and there across barn boards and things. You got your “Coffee Bar” sign for the kitchen ... and some Paris-Eiffel Tower décor. Always popular. Genuine authentic.

How about card games? Always good to pick up another set of Uno! Maybe one for the glove box in the car. Anything like that?

Ahh, I’m stuck here. I’ve got chores to do! Linda’s still wandering about shopping. This’ll take forever! I’ll check for Hawaiian shirts. These’ll be banned soon enough by those government types who know more than me. I once sold one of these for $400 on eBay, one I’d bought as a teen in Princeton. Original, silk, with coconut-shell buttons from the 1950s or so and made in Hawaii. Used to wear at frat parties ... so MUCH better to have the $400! Would be nice to run into a deal like that again. What did I spend that $400 on?!?!

I’m OK on sleeping bags. We’ve got enough. And besides, this one smells like raccoon fur.

Where’s Linda?

So that’s the hot little stew of thoughts I stir when I’m loose and I’m roaming through a thrift store. I go in looking for tennis racquets and can come out with plenty of God knows what.

So what’s the Mathematics of Stuff at the checkout counter today? Well, I left two bags of stuff – that’s a minus two for our household. But I gained one bag with three glasses, an old hammer and a Duke Ellington CD. That adds up to a positive net loss of personal property for the day – and that’s a win!

Todd Volker lives in Ottawa with his wife and son, and they enjoy reading, kayaking, hiking, tennis and camping. He’s a lifelong learner with books in his hands.