Jim Whitehouse: For men only: How to pack a suitcase

What makes me qualified to teach other men how to pack for a trip?

I’m an expert, that’s what makes me qualified.

“OK,” you say, “but just what is it that makes you an expert?”

The answer is simple. One learns from one’s mistakes. I’ve made them all.

Take the very first step, which is selecting a suitcase.

There are only two things that matter. It must have wheels so you don’t have to carry it and it must be a different color than any other suitcase in the world. This often means buying a can of spray paint.

Paint your suitcase until you reach the goal of having one that you can spot from across the baggage claim area. Why, you ask, is this a mistake? Because it means you will have to travel alone as nobody wants to be seen with you and your suitcase.

Now it is time for the second step, which is going to the ATM and getting a lot of cash. You’ll see why later.

Finally, you actually get to start packing.

Many people of the female sort will tell you to carefully lay out everything you want to take. Do this at least two weeks prior to the trip. Keep adding to the piles during the days that follow.

Don’t do this. It is a waste of time.

Instead, start at the bottom.

Shoes.

Work your way up.

Socks, pants, shirts, maybe sunglasses and a hat.

Put all that stuff in the suitcase. It is not necessary to fold it or roll it. Just stuff it in around your bathroom kit that holds your razor, comb, toothbrush and everything else that has migrated through time and space over the years to end up in that kit. If you find things in the kit that you don’t recognize, trust history. You need it. Kits grow over the years, so it is important to have one that has a broken zipper. If your kit zipper is not broken, it soon will be.

Stand back and think about the weather where you are going. Do you need a jacket or gloves?

No. You do not. You have pockets and probably a sweatshirt.

Quickly close your suitcase before your mate discovers that there is still 1 cubic inch of space available, and more if you were to take the time to fold clothes, but we’ve already covered that. You are too valuable a human being to bother with folding stuff.

You are now ready to put the suitcase in the car and leave on your trip.

Do you see how magnificently simple that is?

Now, about the money. Remember? Cash from the ATM?

Just to give you the gist of it, here is what I have used cash for when I have traveled.

To buy the underwear I forgot to pack. To buy pants that I forgot to pack. To buy shirts that I forgot to pack. To buy a jacket because I forgot to pack my sweatshirt. To pay for COD shipping for the prescription drugs I forgot to pack. To replace the suitcase and contents I forgot to put in the car when I left for the airport. To pay for an extra night in a hotel because I went to the airport on the wrong day.

Told you so. I am an expert.

Jim Whitehouse lives in Albion.